You know...I love my celebrity gossip. In fact, I can't get enough--which is why it pains me that E!'s Ted "White House" Casablanca always happens to have the gossip eons before everyone else does. I'll let these excerpts from his daily column speak (painfully) for themselves:
- Heather Graham, not sitting around moping over the cancellation of Emily's Reasons Why Not. Good girl! Chelsea Piers Lanes. InWhySee. Freakin' blizzard conditions outside might be why Heather-doll stayed inside and got her heart rate up with bowling.
- I like the way you think. That's why I'm going to cheer us up a bit (I want to see Tom happy as a Vitamin B-12 shot, really I do!) with an amusing, top-secret DeeCee mission!
- But the best dang part of the set? Chappelle started going off on a recent lunch outing in Hell-Ay, when he found himself noshing near Jessica Simpson. The paparazzi feasted on her and gave him no lens loving whatsoever.
Isn't it totally, like, crazy-clever how he takes basic and blatantly boring abbreviations like LA, NYC, and DC and turns them into Hell-Ay, InWhySee, and DeeCee--respectively (natch)?
This is God's way of punishing me for caring about celebrities.
Apparently Saddam Hussein has officially gone on a hunger strike in protest of his trial.
BAGHDAD, Iraq - Saddam Hussein and three former officials in his regime on Tuesday told the court handling their trial that they were on a hunger strike in protest of the judge overseeing the proceedings.
Saddam said he had not eaten in three days, while his former intelligence chief, Ibrahim Barzan, said he had been on strike for two days.Unfortunatly for Saddam, his strike went pretty much unnoticed thanks to a simultaneous press release stating that the man Dick Cheney accidentally shot this weekend had suffered an injury related heart attack.
6-1 odds says hes dead by the end of the week.
I almost didn't post this because its just too damned obvious...but Vice President Dick Cheney managed to shoot a man during a hunting trip this weekend.
"The vice president didn’t see him," she said. "The covey flushed and the vice president picked out a bird and was following it and shot. And by god, Harry was in the line of fire and got peppered pretty good."Sally Whittington told The Dallas Morning News her father was being observed because of swelling from some of the welts on his neck. His face "looks like chicken pox, kind of," she said.You know, I've often fantasized about Bush somehow being kicked out of office. But, Ladies and Gentlemen, our 2nd in Command just shot a 78 year old man in the FACE after mistaking him for a bird. I just don't know if we'd be THAT better off.
Ok, I'll admit that I was never that great with science--but I always though that a major part of Evolutionary theory involved the idea that humans developed from apes. But...I think I may have missed some new developments.
The same genes that give sharks their sixth sense and allow them to detect electrical signals are also responsible for the development of head and facial features in humans, a new study suggests.The finding supports the idea that the early sea creatures, which eventually evolved into humans, could also sense electricity before they emerged onto land.Wait, WHAT? Humans evolved from sharks?? You know, its bullshit reasoning like this that makes me think that Evolution is crap and that we all just came into existence via some 7 day creation orgy from an unknown omnipotent being.
A woman who was 6 month's pregnant managed to not immediately notice that she gave birth while going to the bathroom.
"I just had a baby," Salina Newman told the operator when she dialed emergency services Tuesday, according to transcripts released to the media on Thursday. "I was only six months pregnant and I went to the restroom and the baby is in the toilet."The baby girl...was taken to Littleton Adventist Hosptial, where she's expected to remain until she reaches 6 pounds, police said.Somewhere in here is a joke about sexual "experience," giant vaginas, and not realizing a 1.5lb fetus fell out of you until after the fact...but its after 5pm on a Friday...and I'm too lazy to follow through.
After shooting his wife and 9 month old daughter in a murder-suicide pact, Neil Entwistle apparently forgot the other side of the agreement:
Middlesex District Attorney Martha Coakley said today prosecutors believe Neil Entwistle took a .22 caliber gun from his father-in-law’s collection and shot his wife and 9-month-old daughter in their Hopkinton home last month in what may have been an aborted murder-suicide attempt.
Entwistle committed the murders, she said, but then failed to commit suicide.Nothing says "I love myself more than I love my wife and daughter" quite like pussying out on your own suicide. Either that, or he was just looking forward to the 987,398 ways he is going to get ass raped in prison.
Bravo Mr. Entwistle, Bravo.
This is why you should pee before you leave the house.
ALBANY, N.Y. --A New York City teenager fell out the window of a moving bus while using the restroom Tuesday and landed on the New York State Thruway.
State police said Jose Gonzales, 17, lost his balance when the chartered bus swerved to change lanes.What this article fails to report is at what stage in his restroom visit Jose actually fell out of the bus. Cause lets face it--falling out of a bus sucks enough on its own without having your wang hanging out when it happens.
Authorities Believe Horribly Concocted Story about Severed Bear Head
Apparently, if you live in Michigan, it is incredibly easy to convince people of your innocence when you are obviously nothing short of guilty. Case in point: A man pleads his case after the illegally severed head of a black bear was found on his orchard.
From Boston.com
"Poaching black bears in Michigan is a misdemeanor punishable by 93 days in jail plus a fine, court costs and restitution.As it turns out, a man who lives near the orchard had been given the preserved head a few years ago and had been storing it in a freezer...The man wanted to keep the skull, so he recently removed the bear's head from the freezer to allow it to dry in his barn. While the head was there, a dog likely grabbed it and dragged it to the orchard."That is clearly ROCK SOLID. Case closed.
I Don't Think Shes Talking about Tylenol PM
Isabelle Dinoire, the woman who had the first successful face transplant, recently spoke out about how her dog managed to eat half of her face without her knowing it.
She said she was wrestling with personal problems at the time, had had a trying week, and “took some drugs to forget,” which knocked her out.“When I woke up, I tried to light a cigarette, and I didn’t understand why I couldn’t hold it between my lips,” she said. “That’s when I saw the pool of blood and the dog next to me. I looked at myself in the mirror, and there, horrified, I couldn’t believe what I saw — especially because it didn’t hurt. Ever since this day, my life has changed.”The dog was euthanized.The moral of the story, children, is that you won't feel your face being chewed off as long as you're Xanaxed out of your mind when it happens.
Oh...and Xanax also helps numb the pain when they kill your beloved pet labrador for eating your mom.
My Dog Ate My Blog
I apologize for the lack of updates. I have excuses--none of which are any of your god damned business.
That said. I'll try to start kicking ass again.
In the meantime, if you havn't yet discovered iwatchstuff.com, do so immediately.
