Survival of the Fattest
It turns out that medicinal needles aren't long enough to get through the the fat asses of the American public.
From Newsday.com:
Injectable medicines delivered into muscle may not make it through buttock fat, especially in heavy women, according to a new study. Scientists at The Adelaide and Meath Hospital in Dublin used a CAT scan to follow intramuscular injections in 50 patients of different sizes and shapes, half men and half women, and found that, on average, almost 70 percent of the dose did not get through the derriere's fatty tissue to reach the muscle.In response, the medical community wants to create longer needles. But you know what I say?
F- that! All we do is bitch and moan about our obesity statistics and how all of the other countries make fun of us for being FATTIES.
Don't make longer needles! Instead, withold medicine until people have lost enough weight to receive it.
If that isn't motivation, I don't know what is.
Paltrow: "Except for that time...and that one...and that one too..."
Gweneth Paltrow said she learned to keep her relationships out of the public eye after her break-up with Brad Pitt and publicly said that Jennifer and Brad should have done the same so that they weren't eating their words later if they broke up.
From MSN.com:
Paltrow, whose buttery blond highlights-filled romance with Pitt ended in 1997, proved her grasp of hindsight when she told Time back in August, "It would be a lot easier on Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston now had they not talked to the press about each other and everything to begin with ... I learned my lesson at 24." Funny, I seem to remember her following that relationship with a rather publicized 2 year romance with Ben Affleck. They even co-starred with each other in "Bounce" and "Shakespeare in Love"
and appeared on SNL together.
Then, of course, she married Chris Martin and named their baby Apple--after the "big apple" city in which she was conceived.
Yea, Gwen. You've done an excellent job of keeping your post-Brad relationship details out of the public eye. Well played, well played.
Robertson: "A Plague on ALL Your Houses!"
Apparently, televangelist and ex-Presidential candidate
(read: loser who never had a chance in hell) Pat Robertson thinks he is able to bring down the wrath of God on those who spite him.
Case in point: After the school board of Dover, PA decided to nix the possibility of teaching creationism along with evolution, Robertson basically told the people of Dover that their town would experience mass destruction and that because of this decision, God would not help them through it.
Wait, wait. It gets better. Apparently, this isn't the first time he has done this.
From MSN.com:
In 1998, Robertson warned the city of Orlando, Fla., that it risked hurricanes, earthquakes and terrorist bombs after it allowed homosexual organizations to put up rainbow flags in support of sexual diversity.Now, c'mon Pat. You're blatantly cheating. Telling the people of Florida that they will likely experience devastating hurricanes is like telling Canada they will experience debilitating snowfall every winter and then saying "HA! See! I TOLD you!"
Also, I bet God is pretty pissed that you singled out an entire town. I mean, the WHOLE town? C'mon Pat. Have a little self-restraint, you glutton.
General Tsao invades Scottish Highlands
From the AP:
In China, hunt on for Loch Ness MonsterLAKE KANASI, China --The moon is barely a crescent in the sky as dusk darkens the milky green surface of Lake Kanasi.
Four people huddle on the edge of a floating wooden dock, eyes scanning this mountain lake near China's remote northwestern frontier with Central Asia. In a soft voice, Yuan Guoying recounts his two sightings of the creatures. The first over there, from a cliff, Yuan says. Then again, 19 years later.From the group comes a squeal as tiny, silver fish dart at hunks of bread they have dropped in.
"Look! There are so many of them!" says one girl. "But where's the lake monster?"Normally, my answer to that would be "In Scotland you assmonkey--where Loch Ness is located." But apparently Scotland recently became China. I need to keep up on my world news.
Thank You Gov't: "I Feel Safer Already"
So, apparently, some people who were selling knock-off designer handbags were arrested in a major sting operation after police were tipped off.
From The Boston Globe:
The raid, touted as one of the biggest counterfeit seizures in New England, drew the attention of the US Department of Justice, which has made cracking down on counterfeit goods a national priority in the same category as pirated software and CDs.I don't know about the rest of you, but I am SO GLAD that the government has made a NATIONAL PRIORITY out of these atrocities! Knocking off overpriced handbags and downloading mp3's has gone on LONG ENOUGH! And the sooner the government gets this out of the way, the sooner they can begin to focus on the lesser crimes--like rape... and murder.
Ben and Jerry's creates new flavor: Bovinity Semenity
From the Associated Press:
WOLFSVILLE, Md. - A rural Maryland cattle rancher Eric Fleming is offering a reward in hopes of finding who took his entire supply of bull semen, valued at $75,000. The cache, which included the valuable semen of several prominent sires, comprised Fleming's entire supply.Fleming has spread the word about the theft on Web sites of interest to cattle breeders and the sheriff's office is investigating.What I find more disturbing than this article is that there are people out there who give hand-jobs to bulls for a living.
Any you know what? Matadors have NOTHING on those guys
